I didn't give up, I let go... Godspeed Little Man. I looked at the test, negative, I had a little baby girl 5 months' old, and people thought i was stupid trying so soon after having her, but this was my second month of trying and another negative. I just loved being a mummy so much that I felt I could give another baby so much love. My little girl Kya was my miracle baby. You see I was born with gastrosciesis, a hole in my stomach and we never knew whether I would have kids. 17 month of trying for my miracle had left me so amazed when she arrived. I was a good mum, I loved everything, even the midnight feeds and lack of sleep, the painful breastfeeding, and everything was so amazing to me. Then when Kya was 6 months old and looking forward to Christmas I realised I was late for my period, as I sat there looking at the test I realised, 2 lines, I was pregnant. I told the whole family on Christmas day, my step kids were so excited. Everything went along fine, in fact the pregnancy was like clockwork, just minus all the bad bits, I didn't have morning sickness, I didn't feel tired, I felt elated every day! I was able to watch my beautiful little girl grow and watch my gorgeous bump named "peanut" expand inside me. I was so happy. in February myself and my stepson attended my 13 weeks scan, the scan lasted minutes, they put me back 2 weeks, but no problems were mentioned, this baby seemed to be developing fine. So I'd got past the bad part, the height of miscarriage, now it was just the home run! I had made plans for this baby, I would be a good mum, this baby would grow so close to Kya, they would be inseparable, I would love every minute of being a mummy again, I felt so so so lucky! I went to a midwife check and heard the heartbeat, perfect they said, absolutely perfect, I was beaming. Everything was great. Then April arrived, I asked my stepson to come along to my 20 week scan, he would be able to know there and then if it was a boy or girl. I was 20 + 6 pregnant now, I had a big tummy and I was feeling kicks every day. My name was shouted and I lay on the table, the cold gel put on my tummy... My step son shouted straight away "is it a boy?". The sonographer checked and said to him, "come here, look, two legs and what's that in the middle", my step son shouted "it's a boy"..... my heart skipped a beat, I had a girl, now my boy, my completed family. The sonographer was studying my son for a while, she asked someone else to come in, then said "Amanda, something is wrong, and I need you to come back tomorrow" - she then led me into the bereavement room and I felt my chest tighten. I went home knowing there was a heart problem but not knowing the full extent - I was so scared. The next day myself and my husband went back, they scanned me and I couldn't look at the screen, it hurt too much, his poor heart, I was so so scared. We were given 2 photographs free and led back into the bereavement room. The specialist looked at me, looked at my husband and uttered the words that took my heart and broke it into pieces... "I'm so sorry, it's not good news, you're son has Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, a cleft lip and palate". I though this can be fixed, I'll conquer everything for him, but the following words just stabbed into me "We think it's a chromosome problem, you need an amnio Amanda, the best case scenario is your son has Downs Syndrome, worst is Pataus Syndrome, but either way it's not good, I'd start getting yourself ready for the worst outcome, I don't think he'll make it". I opted for an amnio to find out more, the pain of the needle inserting the womb was nothing compared to the sound of my heart breaking. I had to wait 4 days on the results, the longest 4 days of my life so far...on the Tuesday the results came through, my son had Pataus syndrome (Trisomy 13), I was terrified, surely it could be fixed right?... wrong! I googled Pataus, and me and my husband just cried, we read stories of living with pataus - mosaic trisomy and full trisomy which David had. They were blind, deaf, fed by tube, waiting to die.... and 99% of people were in the 'in memory of' section. I emailed a lady called Kat who’s beautiful baby girl had Pataus, she advised me to think hard and speak to my consultant. She really really found it so hard - I mean she knew that the life she had with her gorgeous little girl, would come to an end at some point, that she would outlive her own child.... and that meantime all she could do was hope that her daughter would fight another day. (Since this story was written Macy Mae Baker,the little girl I speak about passed away age 22 months, her gorgeous smile lights the way to heaven and her Mum and families love shines brightly for their Macy Moo). I was terrified, my option was to terminate - and this to me sounded like I didn't want my son, but I did, I adored him, I needed him, I wanted him. My husband was terrified too, I didn't know what to do, was my son suffering? I didn't know, the health professionals didn't know... no one knew!!! I had to think so hard, I rang my Grandmother, a roman catholic, and she said to me 'No one will ever think less of you for ending your sons suffering, how do you know he's not in pain now?, You don't, be a Mother Amanda, set him free - let him go to heaven and not be in pain'. I still wasn't 100% sure - I mean this wasn't what do you want for tea, this was a life in my hands.... so I saw my consultant and spoke to her, I asked her not to sugar coat anything. She looked at me, and muttered the words 'Amanda this baby is not compatible with life - you're son has a 99% chance of dying in utero, being stillborn, then if he survives this no one will ever fix his heart, Pataus babies normally don't live past 3 days, with David's heart I don't think he would survive a natural labour - I'm pretty sure he'll die soon inside". So there was my decision I had to say the INEVITABLE goodbye sooner than later - I didn't know if he was in pain, and I didn't want to chance him feeling pain. After phoning my husband in tears, we agreed, and at that point I signed the consent form and swallowed the 3 tablets to end my pregnancy. I felt horrific, in fact I felt like my life was ending. That second, my hopes, my dreams and the whole life I had planned for my little boy just died - the only thing I had was my daughter and my family. Those next 2 days, they were the hardest I have ever had, feeling every kick from my little boy, knowing this could be his last - waiting on that final kick coming. On the Friday, I was taken to the delivery suite, the SANDS room was being used, so I had to go into a normal delivery room, listening to the lady in the room next to me give birth to her screaming baby! I was induced and at 2.45pm labour started, I was given gas and air, pethidine and finally at about 9pm I was put on morphine. The pain was hirrific, much worse than it had been with Kya, but to be honest all I wanted was to be numb enough to not remember. It didn't work. I lay there with my mobile phone in my hand, sending text messages to my friend Claire, telling her how i was feeling, asking her for hope, she was due her son a day before I was due mine, and I just needed her to know that her son (my Godson Joshua - born September 2007) would always have my angel watching over him and making sure he was ok. That I could be sure of. (Joshua took ill after he was born, he stopped breathing and was rushed to NICU - he survived thanks to his wonderful mother's quick thinking. I am sure David and Joshua's grandmother Janet were there watching over him making sure the little fighter pulled through!). At around 23.15, I felt the urge to push. Me and my mother held hands, tears flowing, knowing this labour would not be happy, knowing my son had died inside. Then at 23.42 on Friday 20th April 2007 weighing 11.09oz, just 21 weeks 6 days gestation, I pushed David Sonny Beanland into this world, sleeping with the angels. My mum saw my David first. My husband arrived in minutes, David was put into a tiny moses basket and my husband saw him and broke down. Then I looked at him. My son, My David Sonny, it was bittersweet, he was so perfect, even with his cleft lip and palate. He was about the length of my hand. He was too poorly to have ever survived, he had 4 1/2 fingers on one hand, 6 on the other, and 6 toes on each foot, this along with his low birth weight, his wide apart eyes, his low ears, his shape of his head and his clefts were all I needed to see of the disorder that had ripped my son of his life. The midwife, Anne Marie, took my son and put a beautiful blue hat on him, she said "oh baby boy we don't want you getting cold", I was heartbroken, she spoke to my son like he was there, like he was alive, yet he was sleeping, forever an angel. She couldn't take his hand prints with his hands being so poorly, but she did managed to get his little footprints. At 6.30am on Saturday 21st April 2007 I had my son blessed by the Roman Catholic father, David Sonny. It helped me know I'd made the right decision having a priest tell me. I asked the midwife to take David away at about 08.00am. My step son was coming in and I didn't want him to see David, he had longed for a brother so much. My daughter, my father, my stepson and my husband arrived about 10.00am. We all decided to write a little thing in the remembrance book. My step son wouldn't let us see what he'd written, and I still have never looked back in the book to read it. Then I done the hardest thing I have ever ever had to do in my life, I walked away from the hospital and my baby boy and got into the car. I should have been putting my new baby's car seat in there, but I was walking away with a book containing his bands, his hat, and his footprints, but with empty arms. I sat in the car and I just burst into inconsolable tears, no one could make me feel any better, this WAS NOT how it was meant to be. I should have had my son with me, I should have been taking him home, putting him in his moses basket and keeping him warm, NOT leaving him in a morgue. David's funeral took place on Tuesday 01st May 2007. When the car arrived, a silver mercedes, it would not start, and we ended up having to go into a huge Black Daimler, my husband muttered "my little boy obviously wanted the big car at least he has good taste". I looked around at my neighbours houses, twitching curtains, watching to see who had died, As the coffin was removed from one car into the other tears from people who didn't know me began to flow. I wanted to scream "I lost my baby, this is not how it was meant to be". His little coffin was white with blue stars, little silver handles, and a little plaque saying "David Sonny 20-04-07". It was a beautiful service undertaken by the Chris Weddle, our Vicar who had married myself and my husband and christened my daughter. He should have been christening my son, instead he was burying him. The service was beautiful, and afterwards I got home, the sun was shining so my mum and I got the paddling pool out and put my daughter in there smiling and happy, it was bittersweet. She didn't know about our loss, although I tell her everyday about her little angel brother. In August just before his due date, David's Headstone was erected, we decided on the words "David Sonny, Born Asleep 20-04-07, Beloved Son, Brother and Grandson, you're song has ended but your melody lingers on". What I found since losing David is that I had support from some people and the people I expected to support me disappeared. I had friends and family who just faded into the background and haven't come back. Some people don't know what to say, some people don't know how to react. But a simple "How are you?" would suffice. There at times people look at me like I have leprosy, like I'm contagious - "don't speak to her she has a disease, she lost her baby!". Then you have the refusal to even talk about my son, the people who when I mention his name change the subject like he didn't exist... I have found solace, in a place called SANDS, The Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society. I joined their forum and instead of finding hidden voices and twitching curtains, I found sympathy and understanding. Instead of finding "you terminated? Did you not want him?, I found "I have been there too". I was so relieved to know that I was not the only mummy to ever go through this, but so sad at the amount of mummies and daddies that have lost an angel. I mean did you know that 17 babies a day a stillborn? No, do you still not want to talk about it? 17 precious lives a day lost for so many reasons! I changed my views of termination, especially for medical purposes, which I didn't even know existed in this world. If I had continued with the pregnancy then I would have had to struggle the last 5 months, possibly making baby David Sonny suffer in the womb, knowing that he could die inside at anytime and giving birth to him then - or having him and watching him die in front of me, in pain. That wasn't good for him. Every day wonder what if... but I have his photographs, the ones that haven't been "redone", the ones that show my son lying on a white towel, not breathing, his face not the same as any other baby boy, his colouring not pinked up. I will judge myself and my decision for the rest of my life, I will always think "what if?" even thought I KNOW I done the right thing, I feel guilt as well love, and that is enough for any grieving mummy to deal with. In November 2007, I discovered I was pregnant. It was the most nail biting 9 months of my life. David's little sister Eleanor Claire was born on 15th July 2008, with his help. The cord was round her neck twice tight. He saved her, for that I'm sure. OUR DAVID - Mummy Amanda, Daddy Simon, Sisters Lisa, Kya and Eleanor, Brother James, Granny Linda, Granddad David, Great Gran Jea, Granddad Boo Boo and Grama Do .... Never forgotten our angel. David Means BELOVED. Sonny Means SON. BELOVED SON - No truer words have ever been spoken! To our boy - Not a second of a minute of an hour of a day will pass when you won't be in our hearts, our prayers and our thoughts. You make us so proud to be called your mummy and daddy! We longed for you but you have been lent to the lord until we get you back again. 22 weeks of or lives we will never forget We'll love you forever, We'll need you for always forever and ever our baby you'll be. DONATE IN MEMORY OF MY LITTLE MAN... all money goes to the Stillbirth and Neonatal Death Society www.justgiving.com/david-sonny